Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
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Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Don’t touch that.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.