me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
podcasts
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water