A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Sing it!
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Time heals everything 🙂
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.