At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
oh shit
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one