If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.