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Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I got bills
They’re multiplying
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Nothing to do, you say?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*