Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Not recommended for beginners.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.