ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
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good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker