My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
You Might Also Like
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
#dnd #ttrpg
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?