I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.