For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
@funTweeters
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.