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PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met