[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Said the murderer.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?