The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant