BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
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As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE