How dude HOW?!
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
That eye roll….
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious