[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Basically.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.