[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
You Might Also Like
birds and squirrels envy us
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!