Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
For anyone who needs this today
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’