Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse