How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My love language is hissing.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing