Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
synchronized noseblowing
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.