Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
What is going on? 😅
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.