“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My life coach traded me.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope