Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.