ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
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I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.