4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
No, he would not have.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”