anyone else like Italian cereal
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yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I want this so bad
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
my first day as a raccoon
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
You are what you delete.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.