Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶