Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving