Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
You learn something every day
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Gods work.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.