Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
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I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”