If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?