Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
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Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
when there are deer in the woods
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh