I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
You Might Also Like
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
#Caturday
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie