#Caturday
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Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
what’s the point then??
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.