They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor