All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Smooooooth
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.