Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!