If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
You Might Also Like
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.