DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.