My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.