HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
TEETH IS INNOCENT
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?