Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.