only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Canadian owl: Eh?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song