My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
You Might Also Like
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Sing it!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.