[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Oh yeh? Explain this then
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*