The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Easy enough.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”