Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Gods work.