It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.